Hey, I’m not talking about books. (Especially as my suspense thriller, ‘The Madras Mangler’, is just out!) I’m talking about all those articles which go blah, blah all the time, contradicting what they said just the previous day. Consider what they say on health or diets for instance. Eat three balanced meals a day, says one. No, make that six small meals, says another. Ha, you’re mistaken. Eat only on alternate days; or only when the moon is rising. Eat carbs, don’t eat carbs. Fat is good, fat is the biggest evil known to mankind. Not surprising then that everyone’s putting on tons of weight, is it? All except those rake-thin models who chew gum instead of eating. But don’t worry. They’re going to succumb to ulcers, osteoporosis, diabetes and gunmetal syndrome. What’s the last one, did you ask? I’m sure some researcher in Sweden or Monrovia is coming up with a fancy theory about mice losing weight by sniffing gunmetal.

It’s not just newspapers and magazines, there are all those debates on television on the burning national issues of the day. You don’t have to be a Member of Parliament to be hit full in the face by pepper spray. You just have to turn on the TV to get slapped by abuses and harangues that pass for discussions. Then you get to read opinion pieces on the same issues. Like that article I read recently on whether Karan Johar is striking a blow for or against gay rights on his TV show. You see, he asks all his guests who they would have a gay relationship with, if threatened at the point of a gun. He’s trivialising the issue with this kind of ‘wink, wink’ conversation, says a writer. Was it Shobhaa De? And is that the right spelling of her name? Remember, Geetha is spelt Geeta in the north, or Gita. And there is Sunitha/Suneetha/Sunita…. I’m sure if I tilt my head, my brains will spill out like an alphabet soup.

Now, don’t even get me started on politics. Take the Aam Aadmi Party for instance. Is it a salutary force that is going to cleanse our political systems, or is it a rebel gang that is posing a threat to our hallowed institutions? Is our current Finance Minister the greatest gift to the nation or is he… now, now, you don’t want me to get arrested, do you?

Good god, are you still reading? Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve been saying?